A Wonderful Life At Hogwarts
by Winged Dragon Ra
Summary: Harry's world is turned upside down when Voldemort becomes the new defense against the dark arts teacher, and when Snape becomes the new headmaster! May be my funniest fic yet, please r and r!
1. Time to Go!

A/N: Okay, this is just a random story I came up with while I was reeaaallly hyper! I apologize if it's boring right now but it'll get better!  
  
Here goes!  
  
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me!!!  
  
"Oh, Harry dear, would you like some crumpets?" Aunt Petunia asked her dearest nephew, Harry Potter.  
  
"Why yes, Aunt Petunia, I would like some crumpets." Harry replied cheerful as he always was when he came back from school after watching someone he knew die.  
  
"HIYA, HARRY!" A loud voice boomed from down the hallway of the kitchen where Harry sat eating crumpets. It was none other than Harry's mentally handicapped cousin, Dudley Dursley.  
  
"HARRY, I LEARNED TO READ YESTERDAY!' Dudley shouted at Harry, excitedly.  
  
Harry smiled as he took another bite of crumpet; his cousin was so dear to him. He remembered the times they shared cleaning the Dursley's toilet and eating Twinkies. At last, Uncle Vernon walked into the kitchen, as cheerful as ever.  
  
"Vernon dear, please eat something." Petunia nagged "You're so underweight!"  
  
This was true, in contrast to Petunia who was quite plump; Vernon only weighed 96 pounds for the tender age of 43.  
  
"Oh Petunia, I ate yesterday morning!" Vernon replied, grinning. He kissed his wife on the cheek. "So Harry, did you sleep well?"  
  
"Yes, very well." Harry said, taking another crumpet. "Dudley was just telling me how he learned to read yesterday."  
  
Vernon shook his head, "No, he really just learned some of his ABC's all the way from A to E." Vernon smiled, "But let's not ruin the boy's fun and let him think he has learned to read."  
  
Harry nodded in agreement, as he turned to Dudley who was smiling unnaturally widely. Harry turned to look out the window, it was such a beautiful day out, the birds were chirping and the flowers were blooming. It really made Harry want to take Dudley out for a walk, as long as Dudley had his leash on of course. That boy could really stir up trouble without wearing his leash every time he left the house.  
  
"HEY HARRY! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?!" Dudley shouted in his ear.  
  
Well-" Harry was about to reply when he suddenly felt a sharp bolt of pain in his lightning shaped scar on his forehead. Then another bolt and another...almost as if a thunder storm was occurring in his lightning shaped scar!  
  
"OH MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR MY SCAR!!!!" Harry screamed in agony.  
  
The Dursleys looked concerned but didn't go over to help, Harry frequently had this outbursts everyday, and they knew that he would be just fine.  
  
"Ok, I'm fine now; I'm going to go upstairs to check on Hedwig." Harry told the Dursleys. They just smiled and nodded.  
  
Harry trudged up the stairs to his room, where he wasn't surprised to find Hedwig, laying on his bed eating chocolate cupcakes. The snowy white owl was at least sixty pounds now, and Harry knew he would have to put her on a diet soon...or else he would lose her....to the subway diet. Hedwig belched, apparently she got the message, and she swooped, well at least tried to swoop, but she fell in midair, and hit the floor with a loud thud. Harry picked up the fallen owl and placed her in her cage, with much difficulty. It was there Harry noticed a letter in Hedwig's cage, he carefully took it out to read it.  
  
It read:  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
It is with a heavy heart we send you this letter. We are afraid your parents have been killed by Lord Voldemort. For this we are extremely sorry.  
  
Signed,  
  
The Ministry of Magic  
  
Harry stared wide eyed at the letter. 'My parents...dead....wait, they've been dead all of my life. What are they talking about?' Harry shrugged, and turned to head back downstairs.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _____  
  
The Dursley's waited for Harry in the kitchen, where Harry immediately told them of the letter.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?!" Petunia bellowed, "They can't treat my nephew this way!!"  
  
Vernon tried to calm her down, while still very angry himself. Dudley just kept smiling his very wide smile.  
  
Indeed the whole family was taken aback when the ground began shaking and a person burst into their kitchen from the ceiling.  
  
Much to Harry's surprise, it was the headmaster at Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore.  
  
"Time to go!" Dumbledore shouted as he grabbed Harry around the waist and hoisted him into the air, where they were sucked into a magical magic portal of magical magic.  
  
Alright..another year at Hogwarts..' Harry thought as they sailed along...  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ _____  
  
A/N: I know an abrupt ending, the next chapter will be more interesting and longer. Please review *crosses fingers* please no flames!!! 


	2. First Day Back

A/N: Next Chapter.yep.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.  
  
Harry and Dumbledore landed with a crash in Dumbledore's office at Hogwarts Castle.  
  
'Not one of his best landings.' Harry thought to himself as he dusted off his buttocks.  
  
"Well, Harry." Dumbledore began, "I suppose you better be off to Slytherin House now."  
  
"Ummm.Proffessor..I'm in Gryffindor.."  
  
"Oh.right you are boy."  
  
And with that young Harry was off to his first magically magic first day back at Hogwarts as a sixth year.  
  
"Yippeeeee!!!" Harry shouted as he ran through the halls of Hogwarts.  
  
However, the young wizard suddenly stopped dead in his tracks..his arch enemy Draco Malfoy was walking down the same corridor, heading right for him.  
  
"What are you shouting about Harry?" Draco asked, "There's nothing for you to be happy about, your parents are dead, you have friends that have very little money, and you are a filthy mudblood!"  
  
Harry fumed, "So what if my parents are dead, and Ron's parents make 5 knuts a month, that's way more than last year!"  
  
"Hahahaha! Pottah! I use the same insults over and over again, and they always bother you!"  
  
"Shut up Malfoy!" And with that, magical magic shot out of Harry's scar.in an image of Lord Voldemort's face. Malfoy was burnt into ashes.  
  
"Pottah.you will pay." The ashes of Malfoy muttered.  
  
"Yeah Right, Meltfoy!" Harry shouted in the face of the ashes, "Get it, Meltfoy?!"  
  
"That's a crappy joke Pottah."  
  
"Yeah.well, off to the feast!"  
  
"Bye Pottah."  
  
"Hi Ron, hi Hermione." Harry said as he sat down at the table with his two very best friends.  
  
"Hi Harry." Ron grunted.  
  
"Hello Harry Potter, also known as the boy who lived, who survived you-know- who's curse, and had to live with his Aunt and Uncle."  
  
"Ummm..right." Harry muttered as he picked up a piece of pizza from a plate in front of him.  
  
"Hermione is trying to prove how much smarter she is this year than last year." Ron explained, "It's really annoying."  
  
"Right." Harry replied as he took a bite of pizza.  
  
"Students of Hogwarts!" Professor Dumbledore suddenly announced from the staff table. "I'm happy to inform you that we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, also referred to as the DADA teacher, his name.Professor Vol D. Mort!  
  
All the students from all of the house tables began cheering loudly, Harry however, knew better, the man with the white face standing beside Professor Dumbledore wearing a black robe with a picture of a dying man in the middle of the chest area. this was not a Professor Vol D. Mort.but it was the dark lord Voldemort!  
  
"Professor Dumbledore!!!!" Harry shouted over the applause, "It's Voldemort!"  
  
Professor Vol D. Mort then shot Harry a cold disgusting look, angry, sad, mad, and jealous, all at the same time. However nobody else seemed to notice.  
  
"What are you talking about Harry, he who must not be named is dead!" Hermione shouted.  
  
"Do you not remember anything from last year Hermione?!" Harry grew angry, "Voldemort is alive!"  
  
"Hahahahaha, Harry you're such a nutter!" Ron shouted at him.  
  
"I AM NOT A NUTTER! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE ME! MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! MY AUNT AND UNCLE ARE SICKENINGLY NICE AND SPOIL ME TOO MUCH! MY ARCH ENEMY ALWAYS USES THE SAME INSULTS!" Harry shouted at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry!" Hermione ran crying out of the room.  
  
"Yeah, Harry, I'm really sorry.." Ron left crying after Hermione.  
  
Harry felt guilty, and his scar hurt really bad.  
  
'Voldemort must be near by.' Harry thought to himself.  
  
Just then, he caught a glance at Cho Chang staring across from his at the Ravenclaw table. She glared, angrily, she had been bothering Harry to go out with Hermione for ages now.so he could see why making Hermione cry would upset Cho.  
  
Harry then thought it time to leave himself, so like Ron and Hermione, he hurried off to the Gryffindor Common Room. The poor young wizard had no idea what was in store for him this year at his beloved school.  
  
A/N: Sorry if I bashed some of the your fave characters ^_^;; basically I wanted to emphasis how Harry constantly yelled in the fifth book, that annoyed me so much. I also put emphasis on how Draco ALWAYS use the same freakin insults, which also annoys me. Poor Harry, nobody believes him about Voldemort -_- Well, thank you very much to those who review, or even to those who just read! 


	3. Sometimes they come back

A/N: Gah! I've been neglecting my responsibilities as a writer, I haven't updated in sooo long! I don't have a pc anymore, so I have to use my friend's whenever I come over...which is at least once every week so, expect updates more often! And now for more parodistic goodness! Oh, and fragonknight01, I think I'll use that idea, thank you!   
  
Harry walked down the corridors of Hogwarts, with a sick feeling in his stomach...like something bad was about to happen...something involving a food...like spotted dick (get your minds out of the gutter! It is a food!) But suddenly, Harry felt a cold chill go up his spine. He spun around quickly to find his arch nemesis the dark lord Vo- Professor Vol D. Mort.  
  
"Hello, Harry, what's wrong, your friends don't believe that I'm the dark professor- Lord Voldemort?!" The evil professor taunted.  
  
"They'll believe me soon enough, and with Dumbledore here, you can't do anything!" Harry retorted.  
  
"Hahahahahahahaha! We'll see about that!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Harry asked.  
  
"I mean...we'll see about if Dumbledore can do anything."  
  
".....oh...."  
  
"Get to your common room before I give you a detention!" Vol D. Mort shouted  
  
"...whatever."  
  
Professor Vol D. Mort quickly stumbled into Dumbledore's office, unnoticed. He gazed around the room, either because he was overwhelmed by the powerful magical items the room contained...or because he though it just looked pretty.  
  
He cackled madly as he took a packet of PCP from his pocket.  
  
"This ought to make things...interesting" Vol D. Mort laughed as he poured the drug into a goblet of liquid on Dumbledore's desk.  
  
Then, the evil professor quickly fled from the room, leaving a lethal potion for the poor headmaster....  
  
Professor Snape walked along the corridors of Hogwarts, a grimace on his face. Another year of teaching potions, not Defense against the dark arts...he wanted that job so badly, he'd grimace while he thought about it, like he's doing now.  
  
All of a sudden, Snape was shocked to see one of his favorite students, Draco Malfoy, as a pile of ashes on the ground.  
  
"...Potter..." Snape mumbled, as he pulled out his wand, and begun to recite an ancient cantation:  
  
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, add water to Malfoy, so he won't combust. And give him back his body mass, so that he may kick Potter's ass.  
  
A brilliant flash of light flooded the hallway for a moment, as Malfoy regenerated, with an evil look on his face.  
  
"Thank you sir...I shall surely kick Pottah's ass." Malfoy smiled.  
  
"Glad to hear that, I'll have my eye on you."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"And, Malfoy..." Snape added  
  
"Yes, sir?"  
  
"Put on some clothes."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
A/N: Sorry for the short update, this was kinda a spur of the moment update...next time I'll write it all out before typing it, and I'll have more time to write! Seeya! 


	4. A New Headmaster

A/N: Finally, I'm able to update! Thank you to all who have reviewed!!!  
  
"Great, potions is our first class today." Harry said, pulling out his schedule.  
  
"I'm not looking forward to spending time with Snape." Ron replied.  
  
"Well, I'm for one looking forward to a nice learning experience, even though I already know all there is to know about potions and mixing things together, because I've read all of the books, and I'm very smart for my age." Hermione said.  
  
Ron shot her a glare as the three made their way to the dungeon. ...................................................................................................  
  
The three were indeed very shocked to find none other than Professor Lupin at Snape's desk.  
  
"Hello everyone!" Lupin greeted them.  
  
"P-professor!" Hermione shouted in disbelief, "What are you doing here?!"  
  
"Oh, I was hired back, since Snape had to quit the potions position."  
  
"What?!" Harry shouted, this was the greatest knews he ever heard.  
  
"EVERYONE, TO THE GREAT HALL...NOW!" Snape's voice suddenly boomed out over loud speaker, which was just introduced into the wizarding world.  
  
"I guess we better get going..." Ron told them, trudging out of the dungeon, Harry and Hermione soon followed.  
  
...................................................................................................  
  
The Great Hall was indeed very crowded; it was packed with teachers and students.  
  
"I wonder what's going on...." Hermione said, uneasily.  
  
"Maybe...Malfoy is getting expelled." Ron giggled like a school girl.  
  
Harry just stared around at all of the people gathering in the Hall. He focused on Draco sitting at the Slytherins' table.  
  
'That's a nice hat....' Harry thought, staring at a very small ball cap on top of Draco's head, 'Why don't I have a hat like that?'  
  
Harry was snapped out of his thoughts as Draco sneered at him, rising from his seat.  
  
The lights were dimmed as they heard footsteps approach the front of the room.  
  
"AND NOW" boomed Filch over the loudspeaker, "I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW HEAD MASTER.....SEVERUS SNAPE!"  
  
The lights suddenly clicked back on, as Snape strutted across the room, wearing a very long red robe, which was held up by Malfoy behind him.  
  
The song 'We will rock you' boomed on the loudspeaker.  
  
"HEADMASTER DUMBLEDORE WAS FIRED FOR BEING A CRAZY OLD MAN....HE DID DRUGS!" Filch went on, "AND NOW I CAN BEAT- ER HELP TEACH YOU CHILDREN...A LOT!"  
  
"Oh no!" Harry shouted, "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING DUMBLEDORE WAS LIKE MY FATHER, MY FATHER DIED, SO DID MY MOTHER, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, I'M JUST A POOR ORPHAN BOY, HAVE SOME MERCY!"  
  
"Oh, Harry!" Hermione sobbed, as she rushed out of the room.  
  
.............................................................................  
  
A/N: Very short...sorry if I bashed some of your fave characters. 


	5. Someone to talk to

A/N: Woohoo! Another chapter after what? a year!

Disclaimer: None of these characters are belong to me

It was a depressing time for Harry, one of his worst enemies gained a position of power; it all looked downhill from there.

"I can't believe Snape is the new headmaster." Harry thought, sitting at the Gryffindor table for dinner.

"I can't believe they'd actually let him..." Hermione added, sitting beside him.

"I can't believe it's not butter..." said Ron, examining a piece of French bread.

"Ron!" Hermione scolded, "Harry is going through a tough time and all you can think about is butter?"

"Well, you have to admit it's pretty ama-hey, I know Harry is going through some tough times, but so am I!"

"Oh, and what's that?"

"I can't figure out how this can't be butter!"

"Oh, forget it!" Hermione shouted, rising, angrily, from her chair and storming out of the great hall.

"Ron..." Harry examined the piece of French bread, "That _is _butter."

"Oh...right."

"I need to talk to someone about Vol D. Mort..."

"Why?" Ron asked, "He seems like a good professor to me."

Harry sighed, "Maybe I can talk to Lupin about it..."

"You're in luck, " Ron replied, "We have him later today."

"Good..." Harry said absent mindedly, concentrating on the Slytherin's table.

There sat Malfoy stuffing his face, the green baseball cap on his head. Harry couldn't help but stare at it intently, it was something he desired, but couldn't have. The hat absolutely tantalized him...

Malfoy spotted Harry staring at him, and he smiled, smugly, at him.

"Malfoy..." Harry muttered under his breath, turning back to his dinner.

Indeed, Harry's spirits were much higher by the time he got to Potions class. Ron and Hermione were still a little upset with each other, but Harry knew from past experiences that they would be talking soon.

They were sharing Potions with the Hufflepuffs currently, but Harry wasn't upset by that, anything was better than the Slytherins!

Yes, it was the same dark, cluttered room that Harry had begun to loathe, but the uneasiness was lifted with the presence of Lupin as his teacher.

Poor Lupin, he really did look terrible; his robes were awfully tattered, his face was as pale as ever, and his nails looked like they hadn't been cut in ages.

"Well, class, today we will be learning about a potion called "Phoenix Down," Lupin began, as soon as the class was situated, "It's used to heal people when they are knocked out."

"A combination of Curaga, Ether, and-"

"Yes, yes, Hermione, quite correct, "Lupin interrupted, taking a seat at his desk.

"Psstttt...Professor!" Harry edged over in his seat at the back of the room.

Lupin, however, didn't seem to hear him at all.

"Pssssttttt...PROFESSOR!" Harry spoke louder.

Still, there was no reply from Lupin.

"PROFESSOR!"

"Oh, yes, I have to pass out the supplies of course!" Lupin remember, getting up.

After gather a few Curagas and Ethers from the cabinets, he began passing them out around the room.

"OW!" A Hufflepuff shouted in pain as Lupin's very long nail brushed against his arm.

"OW!" another shouted as the same happened.

Lupin must of had no idea of what was going on, as everyone in the class had been scraped by Lupin's nails.

When Lupin finally reached Harry, he quickly took the remaining ingredients from Lupin's hands, carefully avoiding his nails. He grabbed enough for himself, Hermione, and Ron.

"Th-thanks, Professor." Harry smiled, 'Maybe I'll ask him later...'

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update...I finally have another computer now, so I'll update more often!


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